between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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