So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
