i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize