I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
