sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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