He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
