porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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