My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
