I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
