No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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