he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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