i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we're making bets on your personal life
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
