I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize