Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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