I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want to be your penis for a week.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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