i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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