Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
