I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
