Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
