Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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