I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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