Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
