so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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