You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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