It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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