I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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