Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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