my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
