the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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