matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
