How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
