pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
