If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
