I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
