the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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