It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
