I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
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