Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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