During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
