I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
