It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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