Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
