i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
