I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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