There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need a beard to bite.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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