ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
