nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
