You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Randomize
