Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
