I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
