Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Less talking, more tequila
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize