i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
