First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize