he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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