Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
