you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
