I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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