A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
