I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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