I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
