please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
