I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
