I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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