That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
