you would pick up someone in the library
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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