you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
