If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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