I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I need moral support for this bender
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
