Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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