So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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