We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
