i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am midnight drunk by noon
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
