I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
