dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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