By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
