we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
