hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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