So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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